Navigating Trauma: A Gentle Guide for Jewish Communities from a Jewish Trauma Therapist

Recently, the world has been marred by many events that have deeply affected us all. For Jewish individuals and communities, these challenges have taken on a profound and unique form. The echoes of historical pain, stemming from a legacy of struggles, persecution, and resilience, reverberate through the generations. This historical trauma, combined with the intricacies of our contemporary reality, has created a tapestry of challenges that sometimes feel insurmountable.

Today's world is a complex web of political, social, and cultural dynamics. Amid these complexities, Jewish communities find themselves navigating a myriad of emotions – from fear and sadness to anger and confusion. The rise in antisemitism, conflicts in various parts of the world, and the constant news cycle detailing incidents of hate can be overwhelming. It's not just about the immediate impact of these events; it's also about the emotional weight carried from the past, a burden that many continue to bear.

But here's the thing: you are not alone in this journey. I understand the depth of these challenges and am here to extend a helping hand. This blog is a safe space, a digital haven where you can find solace, understanding, and practical guidance. The aim is to provide you with simple, actionable ways to cope and heal, explicitly tailored to the experiences faced by Jewish communities. Together, we can explore strategies to process these emotions, build resilience, and find hope amidst the chaos.

So, dear reader, as we navigate this intricate tapestry of emotions and historical echoes, remember that you are part of a strong, resilient community. Together, we will face these challenges head-on, supporting one another every step of the way. Let's embark on this healing journey together, embracing our shared strength and finding light in the darkness.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

First and foremost, let's get one thing straight: it's absolutely okay not to be okay. In the face of the challenges and traumas experienced by Jewish individuals and communities, it's natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions. Whether you're grappling with anger, anxiety, sadness, or a confusing blend of everything in between, your feelings are entirely valid. Emotions are not black and white; they're complex, messy, and often overwhelming. And that's okay.

Acknowledging these emotions is the first step toward healing. Recognizing your feelings, even the difficult ones, is a sign of strength, not weakness. It's a testament to your resilience and your ability to confront the harsh realities of the world and still find the courage to face each day. You don't have to put on a brave face or pretend everything is fine when it's not. Embracing your emotions, no matter how raw or intense is a crucial part of the healing process.

The power of talking about your feelings cannot be emphasized enough. Sharing your emotions with trusted individuals – whether friends, family or a therapist – provides a safe and non-judgmental space for expression. It's a chance to release the pent-up thoughts and feelings that weigh you down. In these conversations, you may find understanding, empathy, and support. Sometimes, simply putting your emotions into words can provide relief, as if you're unburdening your soul.

Friends and family who genuinely care about you will want to lend an ear, understand your perspective, and offer a shoulder to lean on. They might not have all the answers, but their presence and willingness to listen can be incredibly comforting. And if you feel that your emotions are too overwhelming or complex to share with loved ones, professional therapists are trained to help you navigate these feelings. They offer a confidential space where you can express yourself openly and work through your emotions at your own pace.

If you feel like you can’t talk with friends or family because they, too, are overwhelmed, journaling is another safe way of expressing your feelings. Getting your feelings out is the goal, whether to another person or on paper. Expressing your feelings allows them to stop swirling around in your head, offering relief and a sense of release.

Remember, reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of courage and self-awareness. By acknowledging your emotions and seeking help, you are taking active steps toward healing. Embrace your feelings, talk about them, and allow yourself the space to process them. In this journey toward healing, your emotions are not obstacles but stepping stones, guiding you toward a place of understanding, acceptance, and, ultimately, inner peace.

Seek Connection

In times of adversity, our community is a beacon of hope and support. It's a powerful reservoir of strength, wisdom, and shared experiences. Your fellow community members understand the unique challenges you face, and they can provide a level of empathy and understanding that is unparalleled. Connecting with others who share your background and history can bring immeasurable comfort and a profound sense of belonging.

1. Shared Understanding:  Have you ever met another person, one whom you didn’t know, and when you discovered that you’re both Jewish, felt that instant connection? Shared a look that said, “I get you”?  When you connect with fellow community members, there's an unspoken understanding that goes beyond words. It's the shared history, the common traditions, and the collective memory of your community. This shared understanding creates a safe space where you can express your thoughts and feelings without the fear of being misunderstood.

2. Emotional Support: In times of distress, emotional support is invaluable. Your community members can offer a listening ear, a comforting word, or a virtual shoulder to lean on. Sharing your experiences and listening to others can create a bond that strengthens the entire community. Together, you can navigate the stormy seas of emotions, finding solace in the knowledge that you are not alone.

3. Empowerment: Engaging with your community empowers you. By participating in virtual events, online discussions, or support groups, you actively contribute to the collective strength of your community. Your voice matters, and your experiences are valuable. In these interactions, you can find inspiration, learn from others' coping strategies, and discover new ways to face challenges.

4. Sense of Belonging: In a world that sometimes feels chaotic and alienating, your community provides a sense of belonging. It's a reminder that you are part of something bigger than yourself, a rich tapestry of culture, history, and shared values. Feeling connected to your community fosters a sense of identity and pride, reinforcing your resilience in the face of adversity.

5. Collective Resilience: When individuals within a community support each other, the entire community becomes stronger. This collective resilience enables you to face challenges head-on, knowing you have a network of people who understand, care, and stand together in solidarity. Together, you can overcome obstacles, heal wounds, and emerge stronger as a community.

So, reach out to your fellow community members. Attend virtual gatherings, engage in meaningful conversations, and embrace the support that your community offers. In these connections, you will find not only strength but also a renewed sense of hope and a reminder that, no matter how tough the journey, you are surrounded by people who care. Together, you can weather the storm and emerge on the other side, stronger, wiser, and more united than ever before.

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is not selfish, and it’s not a luxury; it's a necessity, especially during challenging times. Here's why taking time for yourself and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation is essential:

1. Recharge Your Batteries: Life can be draining, especially when you're dealing with trauma and challenging circumstances. Taking time for self-care allows you to recharge your physical, emotional, and mental batteries. Just like a phone needs to be recharged to function optimally, you need moments of relaxation and joy to replenish your energy. If your phone battery were at 10%, you’d likely run around looking for a charger, but when you’re down to 10%, what do you do? Treat yourself as well as you treat your phone.

2. Reduce Stress: Engaging in activities you love, whether it's reading, walking, yoga, or pursuing a hobby, triggers the relaxation response in your body. This response counteracts the stress hormones, helping you feel calmer and more centered. By reducing stress, you enhance your overall well-being and resilience in the face of challenges.

3. Enhance Mental Clarity: Stepping away from the chaos of daily life and dedicating time to yourself provides mental clarity. It allows you to distance yourself from overwhelming emotions and gain perspective. In these moments of tranquility, you might find solutions to problems that seemed insurmountable before. Clearer thinking leads to better decision-making and a stronger ability to cope with difficulties.

4. Improve Emotional Well-being: Engaging in activities that bring you joy stimulates the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. These endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. When you invest in your emotional well-being, you build emotional resilience, allowing you to better handle the challenges that come your way.

5. Boost Self-Esteem: Prioritizing self-care sends a powerful message to yourself – that you are worthy of love, care, and attention. As you indulge in activities that bring you happiness, you reinforce your self-worth. This boost in self-esteem can positively impact your confidence and your ability to face challenges with a more positive mindset.

6. Promote Physical Health: Engaging in activities like yoga, walking, or other forms of exercise not only relaxes your mind but also benefits your physical health. Regular physical activity improves cardiovascular health, boosts the immune system, and enhances overall stamina. When your body feels good, it positively influences your mood and mental well-being.

7. Create Balance: Self-care helps you balance your responsibilities and your personal needs. It reminds you that you are not defined solely by your challenges; you are a multifaceted individual with diverse interests and passions. Embracing these aspects of yourself promotes a sense of fulfillment and balance in your life.

In essence, self-care is a lifeline during challenging times. It allows you to step back, breathe, and find moments of joy amid the chaos. Remember, these moments of self-indulgence are not selfish; they are acts of self-love and self-preservation. By nurturing your well-being, you equip yourself with the strength and resilience needed to face the world, one rejuvenating moment at a time.

Limit Exposure to Triggers

Living in the digital age means being constantly connected to a stream of news and information. While staying informed is important, it's equally vital to safeguard your mental and emotional well-being from the overwhelming influx of often distressing news. Here's why and how you can manage your news consumption in today's digital world:

1.  Information Overload: The digital era offers a constant flow of news updates, often bombarding us with a barrage of distressing information. This influx of negative news can lead to heightened anxiety, stress, and a feeling of helplessness. Being exposed to distressing content repeatedly can take a toll on your mental health.

2. Impact on Mental Health: Consuming excessive negative news can lead to a phenomenon known as "headline stress disorder." This term refers to the anxiety and worry caused by the constant exposure to distressing news headlines. It can disrupt sleep patterns, increase stress levels, and contribute to feelings of fear and hopelessness.

3. Mindful Consumption: Limiting your exposure to news doesn't mean ignoring reality; it means being mindful of what you consume and how it affects your mental state. Designate specific times during the day to catch up on current events. Set aside a limited, predetermined period for news consumption, allowing you to stay informed without becoming overwhelmed.

4. Identify Triggers: Certain news topics, especially those related to traumatic events or social injustices, can trigger distressing emotions. Identify these triggers and be mindful of how they affect your mood. It's okay to skip news articles or reports that you know will deeply affect you. Prioritize your mental well-being above the need to be constantly updated on every piece of news.

5. Diversify Your Content: In addition to limiting exposure to distressing news, actively seek out positive and uplifting content. Balance your news consumption by exploring stories of resilience, kindness, and positive change. Follow social media accounts, websites, or news outlets that share inspiring stories and focus on the good happening in the world. Engaging with positive content can uplift your spirits and provide a much-needed perspective shift.

6. Practice Digital Detox: Consider taking regular breaks from social media and news websites. Set aside specific times during the day to unplug from your devices and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Use this time to connect with loved ones, read a book, practice a hobby, or simply enjoy the present moment without the distractions of digital media. I take a digital break every week during Shabbat. It’s 24 hours without any media bombardment (and yes, I realize the barrage is of my own making). It allows me to relax and reset. If you can’t go 24 hours, imagine what it might be like to have a Friday night dinner with friends and family without any digital distractions.

By being mindful of your news consumption and actively choosing positive, uplifting content, you are taking proactive steps to protect your mental well-being. Remember, staying informed is important, but your mental health matters just as much. By finding a balance and prioritizing your emotional well-being, you can navigate the digital age with resilience and a sense of inner peace.

Reach Out for Professional Help

1. A Safe and Confidential Space: Therapy provides a confidential and non-judgmental space to openly express your thoughts and emotions. In this secure environment, you can share your experiences, fears, and challenges without the fear of being misunderstood or criticized. The therapeutic relationship is built on trust, allowing you to explore your feelings and experiences authentically.

2. Expert Guidance: Therapists, especially those experienced in trauma and cultural sensitivities, possess a wealth of knowledge and expertise. They understand the complexities of trauma, including its cultural nuances, and can guide you through the healing process. Their specialized training equips them to address your specific needs and concerns, ensuring that you receive appropriate support. When looking for a therapist feel free to ask them what their experience is with treating trauma, and what training they’ve had that helps them treat trauma.

3. Tailored Coping Strategies: Each individual's experience of trauma is unique, influenced by their cultural background, personal history, and current circumstances. A skilled therapist can tailor coping strategies specifically to your situation. These strategies may include EMDR, cognitive-behavioral techniques, mindfulness practices, or other evidence-based interventions. By customizing therapeutic approaches, therapists can help you develop effective tools to manage your emotions and navigate challenges.

4. Validation and Empathy: Feeling heard and understood is a fundamental aspect of therapy. A culturally sensitive therapist can validate your experiences, acknowledging the impact of your cultural background on your emotions and perceptions. Through empathy and validation, you gain a sense of validation and acceptance, which can be incredibly healing.

5. Cultural Competence: Therapists experienced in cultural sensitivities have a deep understanding of various cultural backgrounds, traditions, and belief systems. This cultural competence enables them to approach therapy with sensitivity and respect, appreciating the unique factors that shape your worldview. Such therapists can bridge the gap between cultural differences, ensuring that your cultural identity is honored and integrated into the therapeutic process.

6. Healing at Your Own Pace: Healing is a deeply personal journey, and everyone progresses at their own pace. A therapist experienced in trauma and cultural sensitivities respects your pace of healing. They provide gentle guidance and support, allowing you to explore your trauma, process your emotions, and develop resilience in a manner that feels safe and empowering for you.

In essence, therapy with a culturally sensitive and trauma-informed therapist can be genuinely transformative. It offers a unique opportunity to explore your experiences, develop coping strategies, and embark on a healing journey tailored to your specific needs. By embracing the support of a therapist, you empower yourself to navigate the complexities of trauma, find inner strength, and ultimately, achieve a sense of peace and well-being.

Educate and Advocate

Knowledge is indeed a powerful tool, especially when it comes to creating understanding, empathy, and positive change within your community and beyond. Here's how educating yourself and others can make a significant impact:

1. Understanding the Issues: Educating yourself about the challenges your community faces gives you a deeper understanding of the root causes, historical context, and current struggles. This knowledge allows you to engage in informed discussions, identify areas that need attention, and advocate for meaningful solutions. Understanding the issues from multiple perspectives is the first step toward creating change.

2. Empowering the Community: When you educate others within your community, you empower them with knowledge. Informed community members are better equipped to make decisions, voice their concerns, and actively participate in initiatives to address community issues. Education fosters a sense of unity and purpose, encouraging collective action for positive change.

3. Challenging Stereotypes: Education challenges stereotypes and misconceptions about your community. By sharing accurate information and personal narratives, you can dispel myths, combat prejudice, and promote a more nuanced understanding of your community's culture, traditions, and values. This helps foster empathy and respect among diverse groups.

4. Building Bridges: Educating others outside your community fosters dialogue and understanding. By sharing your experiences and perspectives, you bridge the gap between different cultures and backgrounds. This cultural exchange promotes empathy and breaks down barriers, fostering a more inclusive society where diverse communities coexist harmoniously.

5. Raising Awareness: Education raises awareness not only within your community but also on a broader scale. By organizing awareness campaigns, workshops, or events, you can draw attention to specific issues, encouraging public discourse and garnering support from allies. Increased awareness often leads to heightened empathy and a collective effort to address the challenges faced by your community.

6. Advocating for Change: Armed with knowledge, you can become an advocate for change. Whether lobbying for policy reforms, organizing grassroots initiatives, or participating in community outreach programs, your informed advocacy carries weight. By speaking out against injustice and advocating for equitable treatment, you contribute to shaping a society that values diversity, tolerance, and understanding.

7. Inspiring Future Generations: Educating others sets an example for future generations. When they see individuals actively raising awareness and advocating for change, they are more likely to follow suit. Your actions can inspire young people to become informed, empathetic advocates, ensuring the continued progress of your community.

Remember, every effort to educate yourself and others, no matter how small, contributes to a more understanding and empathetic world. By sharing knowledge, challenging stereotypes, and advocating for change, you become a catalyst for positive transformation, leaving a lasting impact on your community and society.

Healing is a journey, not a destination.

Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to seek help when needed. Together, as a community, we can support one another and navigate the complexities of our world with resilience and hope.

Sending you strength, love, and healing vibes,

Robyn

If you’d like to learn more about working with me to help heal your trauma, schedule a free 20-minute consultation here.

Navigating Hypervigilance: A Guide for Cancer Patients by an Online Cancer Therapist

Hey there, dear readers! Today, we will talk about a topic that's incredibly important for cancer patients and survivors: hypervigilance. It's a term you may have heard before, but we'll break it down in simple, conversational language and explore how it affects those on the cancer journey.

What is Hypervigilance?

Well, it's a heightened state of alertness and anxiety. Imagine being on high alert all the time, like a sentry standing guard. In the context of cancer, it means constantly worrying about your health and the possibility of cancer returning or spreading. It's completely normal to have concerns about your health, but hypervigilance takes it to a whole new level.

Let’s look at some examples that people struggle with when they’re experiencing hypervigilance:

1. Constant Worry: Hypervigilance often means that you find yourself constantly worrying about your health. For example, you might notice a minor ache or pain, and instead of dismissing it as something ordinary, your mind immediately jumps to the worst-case scenario, like assuming it's a sign of cancer recurrence.

2. Overanalyzing Symptoms: Let's say you had a headache that lasted a bit longer than usual. Someone without hypervigilance might think, "I'll take some pain relievers and see if it gets better." However, a person dealing with hypervigilance might instantly think, "Could this be a brain tumor?" and start researching symptoms online, which can escalate anxiety.

3. Doctor Visits: Hypervigilance can lead to frequent doctor visits for reassurance. For instance, you might schedule appointments more often than necessary, seeking confirmation that everything is okay, even when there's no clear reason for concern.

4. Scanxiety: This term refers to the anxiety experienced before medical scans, like CT scans or MRI scans. Hypervigilant individuals often dread these appointments because they fear the results will bring bad news, even if past scans have been clear.

5. Avoidance: Paradoxically, hypervigilance can lead to avoidance behavior. You might avoid certain activities or places that remind you of your cancer journey or trigger anxious thoughts. For example, if you associate a particular park with a time when you received a challenging diagnosis, you may avoid going there altogether.

6. Interference with Daily Life: Hypervigilance can significantly interfere with your daily life. It might make it difficult to concentrate at work, enjoy time with loved ones, or engage in activities you once loved because your mind is preoccupied with cancer-related worries.

7. Physical Symptoms: The constant stress and anxiety associated with hypervigilance can manifest physically. You might experience symptoms like muscle tension, sleep disturbances, rapid heartbeat, or digestive issues.

8. Excessive Information-Seeking: While it's important to be informed about your health, hypervigilance can lead to excessive information-seeking. This means spending hours online, reading about cancer cases and treatments, which can sometimes lead to more anxiety due to the overwhelming amount of information available.

Then there’s the What If game.

The "What If" Game Explained:

Imagine your mind as a playground where thoughts bounce around like children playing on swings and slides. In the "What If" game, those thoughts are centered around worst-case scenarios related to cancer. Here's how it plays out:

1. Constant Worrying: It's like having a relentless inner voice that keeps asking, "What if?" You might be going about your day, and suddenly your mind chimes in with questions like, "What if the cancer comes back?" or "What if my treatment isn't working?"

2. A Running Checklist: Your mind starts creating a mental checklist of all these dreadful possibilities. It's as if you have a list of worst-case scenarios that you carry with you everywhere. This list can include everything from fears about the cancer spreading to concerns about treatment side effects or even the possibility of not surviving.

3. Endless Scenarios: The "What If" game doesn't stop at one or two scenarios. It can spawn an endless chain of imagined scenarios. For example, if you experience a new physical sensation, like a twinge in your side, the game might lead you down a rabbit hole of "What if this is a new tumor?" or "What if it's too late to treat?"

4. Exaggerated Anxiety: Each "What If" scenario tends to amplify your anxiety. It's like adding fuel to the fire. The more you dwell on these thoughts, the more anxious and distressed you become, which can, in turn, affect your overall well-being.

How is the What If game impacting your daily life?

The constant playing of the "What If" game can significantly impact your daily life. It might make it difficult to focus on work, enjoy time with loved ones, or engage in activities you once loved because your mind is preoccupied with these unsettling thoughts.

Remember, it's normal to have concerns about your health, especially after a cancer diagnosis, but constant engagement in the "What If" game can take a toll on your well-being. By recognizing and managing this pattern of thinking, you can regain control and find peace amidst uncertainty.

How to manage your hypervigilance

1. Stay Informed but Not Obsessed: Knowledge is power, but too much of it can lead to anxiety. Stay informed about your condition and treatment, but avoid overloading yourself with information.

2. Mindfulness and Relaxation: Practicing mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and meditation can help you stay grounded and reduce anxiety.

3. Set Boundaries: It's okay to set boundaries with friends and family regarding cancer-related conversations. Let them know when you're open to talking and when you need a break from it.

4. Seek Support: Connecting with support groups or a therapist who specializes in cancer-related anxiety can be immensely helpful. Sometimes, sharing your concerns with someone who understands can provide relief.

5. Regular Check-Ins: Instead of worrying constantly, schedule regular check-ins with your healthcare team. This way, you have a structured way to address your concerns and get reassurance.

6. Engage in Self-Care: Don't forget to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it's a hobby, spending time with loved ones, or simply enjoying a good book.

Conclusion

In the world of cancer, hypervigilance is like an unwelcome guest that tends to overstay its welcome. It's normal to worry about your health, but when it becomes overwhelming, it's time to take action. By staying informed, practicing mindfulness, seeking support, and taking care of yourself, you can keep hypervigilance at bay and focus on living your life to the fullest.

Remember, you're not alone on this journey, and there are people and resources available to help you navigate the challenges that come your way. If you’re interested in learning more about working with me to help you manage your hypervigilance, set up a free 20-minute consultation.

It's Okay to Cry: Embracing Grief at Funerals- Tips from an Online Grief Therapist

Recently, I’ve met with several people who are worried that they will cry at their loved one’s funeral. Go ahead and cry, I’ve said. That’s a really “normal” experience for a funeral. Giving them this permission took a huge weight off their shoulders. Let’s explore why people worry about crying at funerals and why it’s not just OK to do so but can actually be helpful for you.

Grief is a universal experience, and it's something that we all go through at some point in our lives. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, a pet, or even the end of a significant chapter in our lives, grief can be an incredibly powerful and overwhelming emotion. One of the places where grief is most keenly felt is at funerals.

The Stigma Around Crying

In many cultures, there's an unspoken rule that encourages people to keep their emotions in check, especially in public settings like funerals. Society often expects us to be strong and composed, even in the face of loss. This societal pressure can create a stigma around crying, making us feel like we need to hide our grief.

But here's the truth: Crying is a natural and healthy response to loss. It's a way for our bodies and minds to process the complex emotions that come with grief. So, let's debunk the myth that shedding tears is a sign of weakness. Instead, let's celebrate the act of crying as a vital part of the healing process.

Let’s look deeper into the stigma around crying and why it's so important to challenge these societal expectations.

1. Cultural Expectations: Different cultures have varying expectations when it comes to displaying emotions, especially in public settings. In some cultures, a stoic demeanor is highly valued, and crying might be seen as a sign of weakness or lack of control. This cultural pressure can be particularly intense during formal events like funerals, where there's an emphasis on maintaining decorum.

2. The Myth of Strength: Society often associates emotional restraint with strength. Many people are taught from a young age that being emotionally composed in the face of adversity is a hallmark of resilience. This misconception can lead individuals to believe that shedding tears is somehow a failure to be strong.

3. Fear of Judgment: The fear of being judged by others can be a powerful motivator to suppress tears. People worry that if they cry in public, they will be seen as overly emotional, fragile, or incapable of handling their grief. This fear can add an additional layer of stress to an already emotionally charged situation.

4. Misunderstanding Grief: Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. It's a highly individualized and complex process that can manifest differently in each person. Some may cry frequently, while others may not cry at all. Unfortunately, this variability can lead to judgments and misunderstandings about how someone should grieve.

5. Expression vs. Suppression: Crying is a natural form of emotional expression. When we suppress our tears, we deny ourselves a vital outlet for processing our feelings. This can result in emotional bottling, which can have long-term negative effects on mental health and well-being.

It's crucial to understand that crying is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of humanity. It's a way for our bodies and minds to communicate and process the complex emotions that come with loss. By challenging the stigma around crying, we can create a more compassionate and understanding society that supports individuals as they navigate the challenging journey of grief.

The Healing Power of Tears

 Emotional Release: When you cry, your body undergoes a physiological response. Tears contain stress hormones and other toxins, so when you cry, you're literally releasing built-up emotional tension. This release provides immediate relief from emotional pain, like opening a pressure valve. It's giving your heart and mind a chance to breathe. It's essential to recognize that holding in your emotions can lead to physical and mental stress, so allowing yourself to cry is a healthy way to manage the emotional burden of grief.

1. Honoring Your Feelings: Grief is a complex mix of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief. When you cry, you're honoring the depth of these feelings. It's a tangible way of acknowledging the significance of your loss and the love and connection you had with the person or thing you're grieving. Crying serves as a tribute to the impact they had on your life and the void their absence leaves behind.

2. Connection and Support: Funerals are gatherings of people who share a connection with the person who has passed away. Crying at a funeral can be a powerful way to connect with others who are also mourning. It's a non-verbal expression of shared grief that transcends words. When you openly cry, you may find that it opens the door to empathy and support from those around you. Others may feel more comfortable offering comfort and sharing their own feelings when they see that you're expressing your emotions openly.

3. A Step Towards Acceptance: Grief is not a linear process with a clear beginning and end; it's a journey filled with ups and downs. Crying is one of the steps along this path. It doesn't mean that you're stuck in sorrow; instead, it's a sign of your emotional progress. It's a step toward accepting the reality of your loss and beginning the healing process. Grief can't be rushed or forced, and crying is a natural part of moving through it. It's essential to allow yourself this step as it contributes to your overall healing and eventual acceptance.

Tears have a profound healing power. They provide emotional release, validate the depth of your feelings, foster connections with others who share your grief, and mark a step toward accepting the reality of your loss. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it's a testament to your humanity and a vital component of the journey through grief toward healing. Embracing your tears allows you to navigate the complex emotions of grief in a healthy and constructive way.

Tips for embracing tears at a funeral

 Give Yourself Permission: This is perhaps the most crucial step. Remind yourself that it's absolutely okay to cry. Grief is a natural and deeply emotional response to loss, and crying is a healthy expression of that grief. It's not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of emotional strength. Granting yourself permission to cry allows you to process your feelings authentically and without judgment. Recognize that it's part of the healing process and an essential step toward finding peace.

1. Bring Tissues: While this may seem like a small detail, it's incredibly practical and important. Grief often brings tears unexpectedly, and having tissues on hand can help you manage your emotions discreetly. It allows you to wipe away tears and regain composure if you wish to. Having tissues readily available also sends a signal to yourself and those around you that it's perfectly acceptable to cry.

2. Lean on Support: Funerals can be emotionally overwhelming, and it's okay to seek support from others. If you're feeling especially burdened by your grief, don't hesitate to reach out to a friend, family member, or a designated support person. Sometimes, just having someone by your side can provide immense comfort and make it easier to express your emotions. Sharing your grief with someone you trust can also foster a deeper connection and understanding between you.

3. Focus on the Memories: Instead of dwelling solely on the sadness of the loss, use the funeral as an opportunity to celebrate the life of the person you've lost. Sharing stories, fond memories, and anecdotes about their life can help shift the focus from the sorrow of their passing to the joy and love they brought into your life. This can be a powerful way to honor their memory and find solace in the midst of grief. It also reminds you that their legacy lives on through the impact they had on you and others.

Embracing tears at a funeral involves giving yourself permission to grieve openly, practical preparations like having tissues on hand, seeking the support of loved ones when needed, and celebrating the positive aspects of the person's life you are mourning. These steps can help you navigate the emotional intensity of a funeral in a way that is healing, respectful, and deeply meaningful. Remember, it's not just okay to cry at a funeral; it's a natural and necessary part of the grieving process.

Getting Support for Your Grief

Grieving is a deeply personal journey, but it's one that you don't have to walk alone. Seeking support from others can be a crucial part of navigating the challenging path of grief. Here are some ways to find the support you may need:

1.     Lean on Friends and Family: Your friends and family can be a source of tremendous support during times of grief. Don't hesitate to reach out to them and let them know how you're feeling. Share your thoughts, memories, and emotions with them. Often, they will be eager to provide a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or even practical assistance with funeral arrangements and daily tasks.

2.     Consider Professional Help: If you find that your grief is overwhelming and affecting your daily life, it may be beneficial to seek the help of a mental health professional. Grief counseling or therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, learn coping strategies, and work through the complex emotions associated with loss. To learn more about grief therapy.

3.     Support Groups: Joining a grief support group can be immensely comforting. These groups are composed of individuals who are going through similar experiences, and they offer a sense of community and understanding that can be hard to find elsewhere. Many support groups are available both in-person and online, making it easier to connect with others who are on a similar journey. In Los Angeles, there’s a great organization called Our House that creates groups for people with similar losses (spouses, parents, children, etc…). https://www.ourhouse-grief.org
In Miami,  you can visit www.whoiamfoundation.com/supportgroups for grief support groups.

4.     Online Resources: The internet provides a wealth of resources for those grieving. You can find online forums, blogs, and websites dedicated to grief and loss. These platforms can offer insights, guidance, and a sense of connection with others who have experienced similar losses. Visit https://www.compassionatefriends.org/

5.     Self-Care: Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is essential during times of grief. Ensure you're getting enough rest, eating nutritiously, and engaging in regular exercise. Practices such as meditation, mindfulness, and deep breathing can also help manage stress and emotions.

6.     Express Yourself Creatively: Sometimes, words alone may not be enough to convey the depth of your emotions. Consider creative outlets like journaling, art, or music as ways to express your grief. These forms of expression can provide solace and allow you to explore your feelings more deeply.

7.     Reach Out to Religious or Spiritual Leaders: If you have a religious or spiritual affiliation, your faith community can be a source of support and comfort. Clergy or spiritual leaders can offer guidance, spiritual counseling, and a community of believers who may share your beliefs and values.

Remember that there's no "right" way to seek support for your grief. It's about finding what works best for you and your unique needs. Grief is a challenging journey, but with the right support, it's possible to navigate it in a way that leads to healing and eventual acceptance. Don't be afraid to ask for help or lean on others; it's a sign of strength to acknowledge that you need support during this difficult time.

To begin individual grief counseling in California or Florida, book a free 20-minute consultation with me.

Why Moms (And Busy Non-Moms!) Deserve A Break, And How To Appreciate Yourself

Most of us think that we deserve a break when we’ve been “productive”, in the traditional sense, but what if that’s not the only reason (or even the main reason) why you deserve a break?  I want to explore with you the idea that you deserve a break because of who you are, and all the non-traditional things that you do that are often not counted as being productive.

Earlier this year, I joined Yaffi Lvova of Babybloomnutrition.com to talk about how we, as parents, can value ourselves and why/how to take a break. Join me in watching this chat on the YouTube video here.

Productivity: Thoughts from a Parenting Coach

I have been asked a question about how to qualify or quantify your worth outside of counting how many dishes you’ve washed. I think that's really important. Nobody, hopefully, is getting their self-worth out of how many dishes they're washing. 

Let’s look at productivity from a values-based lens:

Step One: Identity the important roles you are in as a parent, spouse, co-worker, friend, etc.

The first step in trying to figure out why you deserve a break, and how to appreciate yourself is to take a step back and figure out why you're valuable. I want you to think about what your values are first of all, just as a person, and then your values in your different roles. 

So are you a spouse? Are you a parent? Are you an employee? Are you an employer? What are those values in all those different areas? For today we’ll focus on your role of being a parent. 

Step Two: Identify your values within each role

The next thing I want you to think about is how you describe or list your values. As a parent, my guess is, if you were to make a list of your values, being an incredible dishwasher is probably not at the top.

So what are your they? Some pretty common values are that you value being loving and caring, being able to be a good listener, being able to teach your children right from wrong, to be able to provide them with a healthy, happy, stable home. Providing your family with healthy food, etc…

Step Three: What are some examples of how you bring those values to life every day?

What are the concrete things that you're doing based on those values?

Maybe for some people, having a clean house is a value. But I would really challenge you to think about why. Let’s take having a clean house as an example of a value. Why is it important for you to have a clean house? I once lived with a roommate who said to me that when she cleaned the house, it was like cleaning out the cobwebs in her mind. So for her, it was important to have a clean house for her own sanity. Other people have a higher mess tolerance. So maybe it's not important for them personally to have a clean house, but they worry that people are going to judge them for not having a clean house. So I would challenge you to consider if having a clean house is on the list of your values. Why? Is it because it helps you feel calm and relaxed, knowing you're providing a healthy, happy structure for your family? Or is it really that you're concerned about what someone's going to think when they come by or drop off their kid for a play date? 

Let’s take another example. As a  parent, most of us want to provide our kids with a loving home, environment, and relationship.  And how do we do that? While everybody does that a little bit differently, I want you to think about what it means to provide a loving, healthy, safe environment for your kids. And how do you achieve that? And that's where the productivity focus comes in. It’s not about how many dishes you've done and therefore you get your self-worth, and therefore you can take a break. But what are you doing to create your ultimate product? And I would say your ultimate product is, for most of us anyway, a happy, healthy, thriving family, children, and marriage. So what are you doing every day that's going to contribute to that? And it's probably not the dishes. 

Did you stop what you are doing for a second to listen to your kid who came home really excited with a new story from camp? Or did you read them a book, or teach them to tie their shoe? Or did you tolerate your teen rolling their eyes at you for the umpteenth time this week and sucked it up and didn't lose it on them? What are you doing to provide your family with a healthy structured, solid, stable, and safe environment? 

Step Four: Make a “ta-done” list for your family, or yourself

I want you to write things down, and make a list so that you can see, objectively, all that you’re doing.  I want you to write something down every day, at least three things that you did that helped you achieve your goal of creating your product of a healthy, happy, child, spouse, or marriage environment. 

The same goes for work, too. That might be a little more of an actual product. Did you do something that’s been on your to-do list? Great! Create a “ta-done” list!  Write down the things you recognize that you’ve done that you value. It doesn't have to be something that someone else notices, but I want you to start to notice what you're doing and see how many times a day you actually do things that are working towards that product that you want to create. Did you surprise your spouse with a nice meal at the end of the day because they were working? Or did you, and this is where the taking a break comes in,  give yourself a break so that you weren't completely cranky by the time your spouse came home and ripped them a new one for leaving their socks on the floor?

Step Five: Do a Values Balance Audit to Assess Your Self-Care Strategies

Go back over the things you expect of yourself each week that has previously determined for you if you “deserve a break” and reassess.  Are the things on that list, on the list you’ve created through this exercise?

Balance is everything. If you're going to push yourself over your limits to clean your house to a standard that is maybe above your values anyway, then maybe just check your values and take it back a step and incorporate a break rather than making your house unbelievably clean, which in the last five minutes anyway, right?

Notice what you do daily to bring your values to life.  What are you doing that's aligned with your values? Were you able to read your child a book instead of making another side dish? It's about give and take. Nobody can do everything.  I think that's a huge myth that you can have it all. You can, but you'd probably be dead in the process. You wouldn't come out like a whole, sane person. So hopefully your sanity is also somewhere on that list of values. 

If you don’t take care of yourself (appreciation, breaks, etc), you won’t have the energy to do the things you know are aligned with your values

So what do you need to do to help yourself take care of yourself so that you can then do all the things that you want to do that help you meet your values and help you live a life that you're satisfied with, that you're proud of, that you're happy with, no matter what your living room looks like? 

This is why taking a break is really important. We all need it. We're all tired. We all get burnt out. And having someone demand all of our attention all the time, whether it's our kid, our spouse, or an employer, is exhausting. Just that in and of itself is really exhausting. 

How do you know what kind of break you need?
Steps from a Parenting Coach in Los Angeles, CA

Step One: Think about what recharges you.

What sparks joy for you? What brings you calm and comfort? Here's another list I want you to write. If you’re like my roommate who loves to clean the house to feel calm, more power to you. But that's probably not a lot of us. it's definitely not me! 

Step Two: Identify the obstacles and find workarounds.

You’re busy and it’s hard to fit relaxation into your schedule.  I get that, so let’s think outside the box. What can you do when the kids go down for a nap? Can you also take a nap? Maybe taking a nap is ultimately more helpful to you and your family than cleaning the kitchen. If you’re refreshed after a nap you might not yell at your kids, or be cranky with your spouse when they come home, and ultimately, that leads you to produce your valued product- a happy family.

What are some other things you can do? Can you go outside in the backyard and let your kids run around in a safe, supervised environment but read a book while they're running around? Can you share supervision with another parent? Can you take their kids for some time, and they take your kids for some time so that you each get a break?

I'm a firm believer that if you can afford to pay for help, pay for it in whatever form that looks like. Whether it's dropping off laundry at a fluff and fold, whether it's being able to hire a babysitter once a week so that you can go out, whether it's being able to hire a housekeeper to come and do the dishes for you, whether it's spending a little more to get cut up vegetables or cut up fruits so that saves you time and meal prep wherever you can fit that into your budget. It's so important that you give yourself that extra little luxury because it's really going to help save your sanity. 

Step Three: Generate a list of restorative ideas

Make a list of the creative ways you can give yourself a break even with all the demands on your time and attention.

To me, nature is really restorative. So even if you live in a city, can you drive to a park? Can you drive to a hilltop? Can you drive to a beach? Can you drive somewhere where you can get out in nature for a little while and just take some deep breaths? There are lots of little things you can do throughout the day, even when your kids are running around and making a whole mess in your house. You can stop for 30 seconds and take a deep breath, or you can stop for 30 seconds and think of your favorite song and sing it in your head. You can stop for 30 seconds and say mom is taking a time out, and I'll be right back. It’s also modeling how to appropriately handle anxiety and stress for your kids.

Make a list of things you enjoy doing. I have been advising pregnant or pre-pregnant couples for a while to make one of those lists, because when motherhood hits you, sometimes you just lose track of those things. And if you have ten minutes and you can't think of anything that would make you happy,  having a physical list for those moments is helpful. You can look at it and say, oh, you know what? I really loved doing those dance videos on YouTube. 

Michael Twitty once said that you need to remember that when you enter the room, you enter with your worth. You bring it with you. You don't enter the room to earn your worth or to prove anything. Your value comes with you.

I think it's really important that we all take an honest accounting of our values and accept the fact that we're not all going to look the same. We're not all going to do the same things. We're going to do what we know works for us, what matters for us, and that's okay. They don't need to be the same. 

You can appreciate yourself for all that you do, and you deserve a break for all of that! If you need help finding this time, space or “permission” to take time for yourself, consider counseling for parents or therapy for moms in Los Angeles, CA. As an expert parenting coach, I can also help you wherever you are in the state with online therapy in California.

I’d also love to hear from you and get this discussion started. Share one thing in the comments that you can give yourself credit for doing this week, that is in line with your values, and share with us WHY it aligns with what really matters to you!

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How Not To Go Crazy When Getting A Divorce- tips from an online therapist.

Welcome!

I recently joined the group Second Saturday to help people contemplating, or actually going through a divorce, not lose their minds. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Angry? Guilty? Watch my presentation to see how normal that is, and what you can do to help yourself cope with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLw4DTtoC0M&t=37s

5 Easy Ways To Use Mindfulness-Tips from an Online Therapist

Mindfulness is the most recent buzz word in the world of self-care. But What exactly is it and how do you practice it?

I’ll tell you what it is and show you ways you can practice it quickly and easily anywhere you are.

 What is mindfulness?

According to Mindful.org, “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.

Mindfulness is a quality that every human being already possesses, it’s not something you have to conjure up, you just have to learn how to access it.”

It might sound like something only a zen yogi can master, but it’s actual simple and easy and can be done anywhere in just a few minutes.

The benefits of mindfulness

There are many benefits of mindfulness. Mindful.org writes “mindfulness affects many aspects of our psychological well-being—improving our mood, increasing positive emotions, and decreasing our anxiety, emotional reactivity, and job burnout.”

How do I practice Mindfulness?

Sight

Using what you can see to create a moment of mindfulness lends itself to a wide variety of things to focus on. The first question I like to ask is, what do you find beautiful? Focusing on something of beauty helps quiet the mind and the soul. Is it something in nature? Find a picture of a place that is beautiful to you and focus on that.  I love the beach, so looking a video of waves, or a picture of a beautiful beach instantly relaxes me.  Concentrate of the picture and imagine yourself there and notice what happens to your mind and body when you do.

 Keep a picture, or an actual thing (think flowers) of beauty around you so that can look at it several times a day.

Smell

Memories tied to smell are some of the most powerful memories we have.  Smelling fresh baked cookies may take you back to a memory of your mother or grandmother.  Fresh cut grass may take you back to a lazy day in a hammock. But you don’t have to have had an idyllic childhood to use smells to invite mindfulness. What’s a smell that you love, just for the scent? I know it’s weird, but I love the smell of burning matches.  I’m not suggesting you burn things down, but if, like me, you like that smell, then light a match and concentrate on the smell for a few seconds. Find a favorite scent and I can promise there’s a candle with that scent available online. Order it and keep it by your desk so you can smell it whenever you need a break from the craziness of the day.

Hearing

What sounds soothe you?  Do you like classical music? A good guitar riff? A babbling brook? A baby’s laugh? Identify sounds that you like and keep a clip of them downloaded on your phone or computer. Take 30 seconds to listen to it. Another great way to use sounds for mindfulness is to stop what you’re doing and scan your environment for as many sounds as you can hear.  Count as many as you can.  Right now, I can hear the air conditioner, the fan, traffic and a bird singing. What can you hear right now?

Taste

Eating mindfully can help not only your mental health, but your digestive health as well.  How many of us eat while working, watching tv, or doing something else that distracts us? It’s hard to really notice the taste of your food and enjoy it when you’re not paying attention to it. Take an actual lunch break (away from your desk!) and notice what your food tastes like. If you don’t have time for a full lunch break, here’s a delicious and fun way to use you sense of taste for mindfulness. Take one M&M and place it in your mouth, but don’t eat it.  Just notice the texture.  It starts off smooth, but then gets rough as the candy coating melts. Then it gets creamy when you get to the chocolate center.  It should take about a minute to eat the M&M, and during that time, notice the experience. A healthier variation is to take a raisin and notice how it goes from rough and wrinkled to smooth and plump as it absorbs the liquid in your mouth.

Touch

Using touch for mindfulness is also a sense that lends itself to variety.  What feels comforting to you? Something smooth? Rough? Soft? Cold? Hot? Keep an object near by that feels good when you touch it and focus on what it feels like. This is also something easy to do when out and about- keep a small object in a pocket or purse (a rock, sea glass, a nail file) that you take with you to help you keep calm in stressful situations by focusing on what it feels like no matter where you go.

You can practice mindfulness simply, easily and quickly using any of your senses to master a moment of calm. Don’t worry, you’re not trying achieving a level of zen, just helping yourself quiet those thoughts, calm those fears, that’s all you need to get through the moment.

 If you’d like to work together to learn more about mindfulness and how to calm anxiety or fear related to trauma triggers, feel free to contact me at www.restorativecounselingcetner.org

Why it’s hard to say goodbye- understanding grief and loss. Thoughts from a grief therapist

Grief comes in different forms for different losses.

In the last two days I’ve had to say goodbye to two people for extremely different reasons, and I cried for both, as they were both a loss, albeit different types of loss.

My cousin’s partner of 40-plus years died yesterday, and while we weren’t super close, I really liked him, and I know he really liked me (and my husband of the last 7 years). He’d been sick for a long time, and I know he’s no longer suffering, but the goodbyes are hard on those of us left behind.

And today I said goodbye to a therapy client I’ve worked with for 5 years. It’s a “good” goodbye. He’s moving on in life and is in a healthy, happy place, but I still teared up (as did he). 

Saying goodbye to people, or things, or places that we’re attached to is hard. They each have a unique place in our hearts and it’s ok, dare I say “normal”, to be sad when someone leaves our life, or when we have to leave a place we love.

Why is it hard?

There are many different reasons why dealing with loss is hard, regardless of what kind of loss it is. We’ll explore a few here.

One reason is that when you feel attached to something, it feels like it’s a part of you.  Whether it’s a person, place, pet, etc. I’m an LA Girl through and through.  When I moved to NJ, even though I took my “LA-ness” with me (yes, the minute you hear me talk you know I’m from LA), I missed that place that I identified with. It was a part of me, but it wasn’t there anymore.

Another reason loss is hard is that you can’t imagine what life will be like without your loved one. When my mom was dying I could not imagine a world in which I didn’t have her in my life. And that grief stays with me, even years later, although to a lesser degree. I got married without her there. The idea she wouldn’t meet my husband or be at my wedding was unimaginable to me, and as painful as it was, I was able to do it, and to experience the joy in it, along with the pain. I’ve been able to create a life that doesn’t include her, but at the time that she was dying, I couldn’t imagine what that would look like.  And yes, there is often a mom-sized whole in it, but there are also things in it that didn’t exist in the life I had when she was alive, like my husband, and that changes the shape of my life too.

Sometimes loss feels like a failure.  Losing a job or getting a divorce. You might have tried your best to succeed at what you were doing, but in the end, it didn’t work, and that often leaves you feeling like you failed.

What can you do to help you cope with the feelings that come grief and loss?

Acknowledge your pain and know that it’s a universal feeling. Everyone feels grief. You don’t have to tough it out or be ok all the time. Although everyone feels grief, it can look different from one person to the next, or within yourself it can feel different from one moment to the next, and that’s all OK. Grief can take the form of sadness, anger, withdrawal, numbness, or feeling flooded with emotions, and guilt, just to name a few.

Don’t compare yourself to others. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and there’s no universal timeline of when you should be ready to do things or feel better. Everyone’s journey of grief is unique to them.  It’s like trying on a pair of jeans in the wrong size.  They don’t fit you because they weren’t made for you. Your journey is your own, and it’s just the right one for you.

Make sure you’re taking care of your needs.  Eating, sleeping, exercising. Having a routine helps. When grief leans towards depression it’s easy to get sucked into a negative cycle of feeling depressed, not wanting to do anything, and not doing anything leads to stronger feelings of depression.  It may feel like it takes superhuman strength to take shower, or eat a meal, but do it anyway.  You’ll feel better once you do.

Connect with people who care about you, and who you feel comfortable with. Grief can feel lonely, and it helps to connect with others. Reach out and let people know what you need.  Sometimes people worry that they’ll be a burden to others when talking about their grief, and often others don’t know what to say to be comforting.  It’s ok to reach out and ask a friend if it’s a good time to talk and let them know it’s helpful just to have them listen. Consider connecting with others who are grieving in a support group.  There’s tremendous comfort in knowing you’re not alone in what you’re going through. You can also reach out to a therapist for help.  Look for a therapist trained in working with grief and interview them to see if it feels like a good fit for you.

To learn more about working with me and getting support for your grief or loss feel free to schedule a free 20-minute consultation at www.restorativecounselingcenter.org